My girlfriend likes Patrick Dempsey. And I do not approve of this.

First of all, let’s just admit that we’re all attracted to other people from time to time. Once in a while you’ll see someone on television and you can’t help but wonder how they’d looked bent over the front of your drawing table while trying to get away, comics and pencils flying off the desk while you played your stationary game of leapfrog.

Meanwhile, your girl is looking over at you from her side of the couch wondering what the hell it is that you’re smiling at.

All I do, ALL DAY, is use my imagination and dream up shit that doesn’t exist. Characters, clothing, weapons, backgrounds…you’ve seen my stuff. I’m sure that whatever her G-rated Dempsey fantasy is, mine with Sarah Silverman and Sheryl Crow is a hundred times more distrubing. It’s not that I’m intimidated by Dempsey’s good looks or his money or fame. I’m FINE with her having crushes with people on television…it’s just that she picked DEMPSEY. The guy is a tool. A Xerox. He’s too obvious and he’s got NO EDGE. Liking Dempsey, I think, shows a lack of imagination.

I think a guy wants his girlfriend to like celebrities who remind him, in some way, of himself. But here’s the interesting thing about that…

1. Men go through a lot of hassle trying to act like some other dude they look up to: Wolverine, Blade, and Danzig.
2. When they pick someone they’re basically picking the traits that they find attractive.
3. Although they don’t want to admit it, if your boyfriend was female he’d likely try to date those same types of people on his list. (Never mention where you heard this.)

So I made her a list of pre-approved dudes that she’s allowed to be attracted to; guys who, if I saw them coming out of her bedroom NAKED when I wandered home from work, I would high five on his way out.

Henry Rollins (Black Flag), Mike Ness (Social Distortion), Chris Meloni (Law and Order: SVU), Patrick Stewart (ST: TNG), Hugh Jackman (duh), and Anderson Cooper (he’s a shrimp but still awesome).

“Honey. I know you cheated and I’m not mad. I’m only disappointed that Anderson didn’t sign something for me on his way out. THANK you for being attracted to Anderson. I think that Anderson banging you brings us a little closer together,” would be the talk that followed.

But no, she likes Dempsey, a guy that I don’t have anything in common with. In fact, if I was driving down the road with Sheryl Crow and Sarah Silverman and saw that he needed help, I’d let the LADIES out to kick his ass.

But instead of wasting my brain powers trying to think of ways I’d hurt Dempsey, I thought of an even better way to get even with her: I’d start making up crushes with girls who she’d probably hate. “Hey honey. Are you hungry? How about a sandwich. I could go for something with Paris Hilton and Lindsay Lohan,” is what I probably said.

Unfortunately, it didn’t work. As much as I wanted to get her upset, the words “I like Lindsay Lohan” just didn’t sound right coming out of my mouth. But when I mentioned Silverman I hit a nerve.

Colleen: Sarah Silverman! But she’s got huge nostrils! Not to mention she’s totally annoying.

Sean: (doing back-flips) You’re not creative enough to understand. She’s HOT. She’s got personality and spunk. Most people don’t see it BUT I DO and that’s why it’s special.

Colleen: I think she’s whiny. She’d annoy you after a while.

Sean: And Dempsey wouldn’t? I guess he wouldn’t because in order to be annoying you have to be ABOUT SOMETHING. I bet he’s just lie there while you plugged in your dildo.

Colleen: And Sheryl Crow? Isn’t she in her 40s?

Sean: (taken aback) Are you saying that WOMEN AREN’T ATTRACTIVE AFTER A CERTAIN AGE? How DARE you?

Colleen: No! I’m just saying she’s older. Plus her front teeth aren’t real. (Where to women read these things?)

Sean: How'd she lose them?

Colleen: Someone threw a bottle at her during a concert, I think.

Sean: That’s totally punk. I think she just passed Sarah Silverman.

But just when I thought all hope was lost she pointed out a guy who I ended up approving for her list: Mike Rowe from Dirty Jobs on the Discovery Channel. The guy’s in good shape, attractive but not too much so, likes getting his hands dirty, doesn’t fit the normal celebrity mold and quick with the jokes. I looked at her and smiled.

“Honey, I think Mike Rowe has just brought us closer.”