And Spock wins by a long shot…

“I choose Spock to be my sidekick,” you say confidently, “but have him wearing that yellow jumpsuit from Kill Bill/Game of Death.”

The blue creature suddenly changes into the shape of Spock. Spock looks down at his new threads and then back up at you. “Illogical choice of clothing, as I am less myself in a yellow track suit.”

“Haw-haw! That’s just what Spock would say! Now say LIVE LONG AND PROSPER.”

Spock regards you coldly. “I fail to see how this will accomplish your mission.”

“Sorry, it’s just that I have a million questions and I’m such a huge fa—you’re right, escaping is more important. So what’s going on anyway?” you ask as you try to regain your composure.

“You’ve been abducted because you pose a great threat to your alien captors. You’re currently being held inside a patrol ship on a routine mission to travel the galaxy and neutralize different threats on different planets. When the patrol sweep in the sector is completed, you’ll either be detained for study or terminated.”

“How am I a threat? I sit in a room all day and draw comics! My only contact with the outside world is through the grocery store and through writing little stories on Deviant Art!”

Spock—with all of his Vulcan cool—takes a step forward and eyes you closely. “It’s true that you might not be a general, a politician, or a king, but those with the most influential power are often overlooked. In your case, an entertainer. Perhaps you’ve underestimated you’re ability to affect change.”

“I’m pretty sure my abilities aren’t all that great. I even drew Batman once! But the higher ups at DC made sure I stopped getting work. I’ve struggled for years and have barely managed to hang on. If I supposedly have all these abilities then why has it been so hard?” you ask, crossing your arms and smirking at Spock. Surely no Vulcan could argue with THAT logic!

“Are you saying that the corporations with the most money and the most influence always make the best decisions?” he retorts.

Damn! Just when you thought you had him. You grudgingly submit to his great wisdom. “Fine, but the question still remains, why am I such a threat to a species capable of galactic space travel?”

“ Perhaps you should ask them.”

“ Perhaps I was asking YOU.”

“I’m afraid I don’t have that information,” he says.

“I don’t like the attitude, Spock!”

“Vulcans have no attitude to give.”

“What about the pon farr?! You’re telling me that there’s no attitude when THAT happens?”

“I’m growing impatient with these questions,” he says.

“Impatience! HA! That’s an emotion! I win!”

“You find victory arguing with a fictional character?”

“YES! So what are we up against anyway? Are these big aliens? Or are they little gray ones that I can man-handle with my brute human man-strength?” you ask.

“Does using such language and repeating the word ‘man’ actually make you feel more superior?”

“YES. If I’m going down then my goal is to take down the biggest, tallest alien first! That way the others might rethink probing me!” you explain while practicing your karate for an unimpressed Spock.

“And why do you assume the aliens will ‘ probe ’ you? I haven’t said either way.”

“Are they going to probe me?” you ask.

“Most vigorously,” answers Spock, lifting one eyebrow.

“Ha! See! Human instinct. You always had a problem with that one, didn’t you?”

“I fail to see why you’re so excited to be probed. And might I also remind you that I’m not actually Spock, only a visual repre—“

“I’M about to be probed and probably killed. Isn’t it logical that I’d want to pretend that my most treasured childhood friend is real?” you ask, cutting him off.

Spock looks at you curiously. “You’re most treasured childhood friend was an imaginary character on the television?”

You’re suddenly caught by a massive wave of your own depression. “Well…not my best friend…but…”

“My question was not intended to hurt your feelings,” he says.

“You’re an asshole, you know that? I think I’d rather have Conan as my new friend!” you insist.

“I’m afraid there’s no time for that. Your captors are about to open the door.”

Suddenly the door opens. You look at Spock.

“What am I supposed to do?” you ask.

“As I see it, you only have four options: 1) submit, 2) pretend to submit, but hope for an opportunity to escape, 3) walk outside and try to negotiate for your release, or 4) attack your captors right now.”